Often when a parent asks this question, I am curious to know why. What makes you want to be friends with your teen? Do you not like being your child’s parent? Are you worried that your teen has no friends and want to fill in? Have you developed a desire to hang with the ‘cool kids’? What is going on?
Because you see, only parents of teens want to be their children’s friends. Parents of toddlers love being their babies’ parents. Parents of primary and middle school children also usually have no requests for role changes. But as soon as the kid hits high school, parents want to suddenly transition to being their teenager’s friend.
At the heart of this yearning is a fear of losing your child. Your baby is growing up and you fear being left out. Your teen is no longer the helpless, dependent baby that they once used to be. Teens crave and demand independence. They want to eat when they like, sleep when they like, make friends with and date whoever they like.
Parents struggle to deal with the idea of not being needed as much anymore (or rather needed for the same things anymore). You suddenly feel dispensable, your children have gone from adoring you to being embarrassed about you. From being the people who are consulted on everything, you have become the people your teen hides everything from. From rushing home after school into your arms, your kid now seems to prefer being away from you, always in their room.
Around the same time, something else changes – you notice how your teen loves spending time with their friends. Your kid is always looking forward to sleepovers at some friend’s or the other. You want a piece of that attention. And you figure that the only way to get it is by befriending your teen.
I fully get the instinct. But here is a truth that may be hard to believe – your teenager still very much needs you, and they need you as a parent (not as a friend).
Here’s why:
Though teenage marks the beginning of a child’s transition to adulthood, teenagers are not yet fully developed adults. Which means that they continue to need their parents as they move into the next stage of their lives. In what capacity though?
Primarily in an emotional capacity, though some physical needs remain e.g. a safe home.
What kind of emotional needs do teenagers have?
- Trust: Teenagers struggle with the idea of trust. Sometimes they trust too much, sometimes they trust too little. Many times, they learn who is and isn’t trustworthy the hard way. They make mistakes, regret it, make more mistakes, learn a few lessons. As they figure this out, every teen needs parent(s) who they can trust 100%. When a teen is led to feel that they cannot trust their parents, this can increase risk-taking and secretive behaviour. Building trust with your teen can’t be easy, especially when they often give you good reason to doubt their ability to self-regulate. But if you and your teen manage to build a high-trust relationship successfully, the psychological distance will begin to decrease. Your teen will start trusting and relying on you for major life decisions.
- Unconditional love: Your teen needs to know that you have their back no matter what. Parents find it easier to practise unconditional love for their children when they are younger and much more compliant. When a hot-headed, rebellious teen lives in your house, unconditional love is tougher to practise. But these are exactly the times that your teen needs your love the most. Unfortunately, nobody else in their lives, even the best of their friends won’t be able to provide this kind of love for them.
- Psychological safety: Teens feel the safest at their homes. Home is a space that gives them not just physical safety but also psychological safety. Teens associate home with a space they can be themselves, and not feel the pressure to put up a face like they often feel compelled to in front of their friends. This means that you would see them at their best when they have friends over or at social events, and at their worst when they are with you, at home. But they need that from you and the home you provide them with – a place they can come back to anytime with their tantrums and fears and insecurities and their 100% authentic selves. Only you can provide that at this stage of their lives.
- Boundaries and limits: This is the part you may be surprised to learn – teens like limits, even if they vehemently say that they do not. Limits make teens feel safe. It helps them keep themselves in check as they go through their emotionally tumultuous life. Your teen’s friends are also likely teens and therefore equally lost when it comes to setting limits or maintaining them. Without knowing what your limits are, life, especially teen life can be hard to navigate. You are the only people in your teen’s life who can help them set and maintain their boundaries. Your teen knows this too, even if they don’t acknowledge it.
So you see, as much as you might want to be your teen’s friend, your teen still needs you as a parent. I know that you may be feeling neglected by your teen lately. Here is a complicated truth – it is not that your teen doesn’t want you anymore, it is simply that they want different things out of you now. They still need you as a parent, perhaps a slightly different parent than you used to be but still a parent.
A word from Kazivu
Parent-Teen relationships are emotionally challenging for all people involved. You are doing a fantastic job, always remember that. No parenting expert is living your life and managing your teenager. You are the one doing that, and you are doing a fantastic job. Sure, get your hands on as many credible resources as you would like to help raise your teen into a healthy adult but I hope that you do not dismiss your own instinct and skills in this process. Good luck and keep going!
