Every parent wishes for the perfect child.
A child who listens to instructions, scores well in exams, dresses appropriately and never answers back rudely.
But contrary to our dreams and desires, our children are in many ways imperfect.
We see our friends’ and neighbours’ children doing so well in life and secretly (or sometimes even loudly) wonder why our children can’t be like that.
“Where did I go wrong?”
“Am I not pushing my child enough?”
The problem may not be that we are not pushing our children enough, it may be that we are pushing them in ways that are unhelpful for their success.
Teaching our children to chase the best outcome always might come at their own peril.
Here’s why:
I. Success does not happen overnight
Any kind of sustainable success takes time to achieve. Think about how you got your first job or promotion. Did it happen overnight? My guess is no.
Hours and hours of hard work most likely went behind every goal that you have achieved in life. That is the nature of success, it takes a long time and multiple attempts.
When we get upset at our children for not coming first at everything every time, we are signalling to them (even if unconsciously) that success comes easy and so failure is unacceptable.
But success often comes after many failures. The more our children try, the more they are probably going to fail. But the more they fail, the more likely they are to be closer to success.
II. What does this mean?
It means that we need to encourage our children to take chances and fail because that’s what will help them succeed in life. Children need to build the courage to keep trying no matter what. They need to take pride in bad first drafts and unpolished projects because many times, getting something done (even if that means not getting it right) is worthy of genuine praise.
As long as your child is motivated to keep trying and keep on trying, they will find success. But if we make our children fearful of failure, they will stop trying altogether.
So there you have it, the perfection paradox.
III. Perfection Paradox
The more you push your child to chase perfection, the less likely they are to work towards it. In most cases, a fear of perfection makes one effort-immobile.
Next time, instead of reprimanding your child for their imperfect outcome, try to appreciate what they got done (even if the result is suboptimal). Then discuss with them what they could have done better. Give them constructive feedback. But above all, value their effort.
We keep looking for our children’s perfect results while forgetting that imperfect results are necessary pitstops on the path to success.
A word from Kazivu
We want the very best for our children. So we hope that our children come first in everything – be it a running race at school, mid term exams or musical chairs at a birthday party.
If you are struggling mentally with your child’s ‘mediocre’ results, a useful activity for you to do as a parent could be to reflect on your own success. What helped you be successful? Did you get everything right the very first time you tried it? Or did you fail a few times before achieving great results?
Your child’s success journey is probably going to have the same kind of ups and downs that you did. You could be the parent who understands the rocky nature of success and supports your child to persevere even in the face of failure. Or you could be the parent that gets upset every time your child falls short.
What kind of parent does your child need today?